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Beetology Juices

Beetology Juices, seen in

What is it with the beet community? They are punsters —and apparently proud of it. We didn’t know that about them; but the evidence is all around. They unleash their wordplay before a poor journo even has a chance to wake up and free associate, let alone thumb through a thesaurus. It’s enough to drive an ink-stained wretch to sobriety.

So we’re reading a Wired magazine excerpt  from Jessica Bruder’s book, Nomadland. It’s about itinerant older workers who travel by RV. Suddenly, it mentions a sugar beet farm soliciting harvest workers. Their selling point?  It’s an “unbeetable experience.”

 For solace we turn to a bottle of Beetology Beet+Cherry Juice. Altogether Beetology bottles five varieties of beet blended juices. The other four? Veggie, Tropical Fruit, Berry, and Lemon Ginger

Then we glance at the label — not the nutrition panel which tells us that the 8.45 oz. bottle contains 100% [cold pressed] juice and no concentrate, and that that very juice contains 5 g. dietary fiber, 3 g. of protein, 18 g. of sugar, and 4% of our daily iron needs. Nor the part that assures us the juice is non GMO, certified fair trade, certified organic, and kosher.

No, we glance at that part of the label where they give their elevator pitch. And this is what it says:

“Beets are almost as good for puns as they are for you. At Beetology, we’re a ‘beet’ obsessed with beets. The health benefits can’t be ‘beet’ — Did you know that they’ve been shown to be great for heart, blood pressure and brain? [editor’s note: It hasn’t really come up in conversation that much.] Beets are like music for your body; they just make everything better. And after you try all five varieties of juices, we’re sure you’ll agree.

“Beetology. March to your own beet.”

If you don’t mind, we’d rather remain seated. Let’s just uncap the bottle and sip some of that juice. In general, there seem to be two definite schools of thought  regarding beet flavor. Some say the taste is “earthy.” Many say it tastes “rather like dirt.”

To the faint of heart, we say, "be not afraid.” (By the way, Beetology advises us that beet juice may be good for your heart It has something to do with nitrates. For proof,  they  refer us to a WebMD article by Kathleen M. Zelman)

The bottle does contain a ruby red potion and it does say “beet” on the label and “beet juice” is the first ingredient.  But there’s a mellow tang to it. Not dirty! Not earthy!

And the blends are so artful that the combined ingredients harmonize.  For example, the tropical fruit juice has soaring pineapply highlights. The berry blend tastes — wonder of wonders — like a bowl of ripe berries.

If beets are like music, Beetology juices are a heavenly choir. And, yes, the good news is that the beet goes on.

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